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Saturday, August 17, 2013

Final Shiva and poem I read

When I first contemplated sitting shiva, I had several people give me valuable input.  I heard the "The Jewish Laws work, you will see" and I heard "you will be exhausted and its too much for the kids."  Well, I am so happy that I knew Eddie would want and expect me to do the 7 days and so I chose to do that although days 4 and 5 were kept very small to accommodate the potential exhaustion theory (which was also a valid point).  At the end of Thursday's I began getting anxious about the end of shiva and wondered how I might extend.  Friday was hard at temple as that was a special place for all of us and there was a bit of a domino effect with one of us starting to cry that then led to many others around us becoming emotional, including a very kind woman who sits on a committee with me at temple who had not heard about Eddie yet.  The poor Rabbi and Cantor as we were in the first two rows!

When I woke up today, Saturday, I was happy I had people coming tonight.  Then, around 1p, I found myself feeling a sense of completeness and becoming happy that tonight was the last one.  I have been surrounded by such love and support all week. It has been wonderful.  But I know it is not ending and that we will continue to be surrounded.  It might take the form of people coming over or even asking me how I am doing but they will look at me and give me a hug that is just a bit different than before and I will know that they are "with me," just as Eddie is with me.

Below is the poem I read tonight

Today I speak of death.
Let me talk of Loneliness;
Let me feel my Missing--
I need to know its meaning,
The pain must be felt
In its own significance;
I come from yesterday
And when any part of that dies,
A part of me ends
And I feel diminished;
Let me say goodbye
So I can let go
And learn to hold on
In a new way,
When I have said farewell
To what was,
I will be able to define
What is
And then can contemplate
What can be;
For as I mourn
There grows in me
A new recognition
of my connections
And when I look up at last.
Tomorrow will be waiting--
And I will go on.

Hugs to you all.  I probably will try to post once a month going forward on the 8th of each month (Eddie died Aug 8) to let you know how we are all doing.

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