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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Life is Sweet, Life is Bittersweet

They say life goes on, you find happiness again, you find love again.  Perhaps.  Yes.  True.

Then you are jolted.  Someone says that something that just hits you in the heart.  It immediately takes you back to "but I don't have my spouse."  Or perhaps your kid makes that big play and you look around and you don't have your spouse to smile with, pump your fists with or celebrate later at home with, with your child.  There are the never ever ending forms "first parent.  second parent." There is someone missing in it all.

I celebrate life and I embrace it.  I am happy, my kids are happy.  The first year was so hard in the stress of how will the first ____ (holiday) go?  You get through that and you think "whew, I made it." But then the next year comes and nobody remembers to call on that anniversary to check on you.  Or you realize that some of those feelings and stressors will never go away.  Every time you walk in that room, you will continue to feel alone, just less stressed about feeling it.

But the hardest I suppose is that nobody has your back like your spouse.  And that is a very hard hole to fill and can cause the most anxiety late at night as you review your day alone and ponder how you did as a parent, a friend, a worker, a child.  There just isn't anybody to give you that unconditionally supportive feedback.

Life is sweet but going it alone - bitter too


Even almost two years out.... I ask that you ask me.

Ask me what I need.  Ask me if it is easier to talk about Eddie, the day he died, our special moments, our trips, our funny moments, our sad moments and our tough moments.  They are part of my life and they didn't die with Eddie.  Ask me if I need some space to be alone or if I need company.  Ask me if this day is still hard.  Ask me about Eddie and what memories I might want to talk about.  I will tell you what I need. 

All that I ask is that you ask me.