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Saturday, August 8, 2015

Second Anniversary

Today marks the second anniversary of Eddie's dieing.  I still remember this day like it was yesterday.  I am ever so grateful that Eddie did not have the long hospice care, the pain that some endure with cancer or the embarrassing episodes with his care providers.  He would have hated all of that and even remarked to our Rabbi one time "I don't want to be that guy that everyone is in the waiting room waiting for him to die."  He did have a room full of people but we didn't wait that long.

I struggle more than before with the How Tos - how to remember him always, how to make sure my kids remember him and hold on to their memories, how to honor his legacy, how to acknowledge him forever.  I try to talk about him in reference to anything that reminds me of him or is relevant.  

In the meantime, I feel we are all doing what he would most want us to do - live. But sometimes it feels weird and a bit guilt provoking. I recently read something in my book entitled "Healing After Loss - Daily Meditation for Working Through Grief."  I thought it was so appropriate - 
  • No one is asking us to forget, to turn away from all that we loved and cherished in the one we have lost. We couldn't do that.. The task before us, and it can take a very long time, is to incorporate this grief and loss into the rest of our lives, so that it doesn't continue to dominate our lives.  It's no longer the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning, or the last thing we relinquish before we sleep.  It will always be there, but when it begins to take its place  among the good things life offers, we're on our way.  
I do believe that I am "on my way," recognizing and hoping others understand that I will forever have set backs now and then.  Thankfully all of the people in my life are supportive of me during these times and I rarely feel alone in it.

Hugs to all,

Another feeling he was with me

I recently went on a fishing trip, one that Eddie took many times with our temple.  He loved this trip and as much as he could, never missed it.  As we flew to Idaho, I put on my headphones and scrambled my music.  I fell asleep.  As we landed, I woke up and heard the song playing in my headphones - it was the very first "our song," - Steve Wonder's "I Believe" - 

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever 
I'm so glad that I found someone to believe in again 
God surely answered my prayer.

We heard this song in our weekly yoga class when we first started dating.  It absolutely was the song that made us look at each other during the slower wind down time and fall in love.  I loved that this particular song was playing from all the hundreds of songs otherwise on my playlist - just as I landed for my fishing trip.  I know Eddie wanted to be there and with that song playing in my ear as the trip started, I know he was.

Hugs to all