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Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Times - They Aren't for the Weak…..

I don't know what is hardest about losing a spouse… is it the loneliness at night when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet - sure you can watch tv alone… but isn't it more fun to embrace a show with someone watching with you?  Is it when you find yourself at some party and you walk in alone and look around and can't find that person that is waiting for you or look to see your special person right there next to you?  Is it when you go somewhere with your kids and they run off to be with their friends and you find yourself alone with the parents but without a spouse as they all have with them?  Is it at the baseball games and basketball games when your kid does some great play and you don't have that person to smile at and say with your eyes "that is our kid!"

It is all of them and more.  

It is when you see someone you know and meet someone new and know that the first thing they are going to say when you walk away is "that is the one I was telling you about that lost her husband.  It is so sad."

It is when you get invited to something and you reply "1" will be attending and when you walk in to a restaurant and have to say "one adult, 2 kids."  Or when someone says "where is your spouse?"  Dead.  

It is a constant reminder.  The everyday of life bombards your mind with the aloneness of it.

Worst of all, it is the knowledge that you don't have that ONE person that you had before - the one that is always there for you, that helps you take a step back from an emotional situation, that hand slaps you and chuckles at your kids accomplishments, that tells you you are wonderful just the way you are and that hugs you and kisses you right before you go to sleep. 

The aloneness is all around you.  Always.

Hugs to all, 

More Signs

I didn't realize it has been so long since I have posted.   My last "sign" from Eddie was pretty magical but there have been even more.  I love them and think of them over and over in my mind.

A week or so after the text one I was telling a friend how hard it is to grieve the loss FOR Eddie.  Sure, I miss him, my kids miss him but we are alive and busy and have to keep going.  When I stop, when I am in the quiet of life, I feel the grief FOR Eddie - I grieve for what he misses and doesn't get to be a part of here.  WIth that, my friend said, "but perhaps he is and the text and other signs are his way of really showing you he is here seeing it all with you."  I told her I hoped so.  After that, I left and went to a store for a friend.  I quickly called her to ask which brand of something she wanted.  My touches were simple - phone, favorites, friend number.  After we hung up and I was in the check out line, I heard chimes.  Very unusual chimes.  I look around and finally realize the chimes are coming from my phone.  I look down, press menu and swipe it and up pops:

I don't know how these things happen but I know it happened.

More recently, we went to our temple's family camp.  We were outside at the morning shabbat service, a very special place for Eddie.  Just as the Rabbi said, "it is now time to turn our thoughts to those that came before us."  With that, a huge black and white monarch butterfly (which has been the butterfly before) flew down, flew straight to Dylan, fluttered in her face a bit and then flew around and out of the area we were in.  It was awesome and even Dylan asked me later "Mom, did you see that butterfly?  It flew right at me."  I loved that she noticed.  

It does make one wonder… could he possibly be around us?  I hope so.

Hugs to all, Lorin