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Sunday, November 17, 2013


Sunday night.  Dark room.  Massage table.  Fantastic masseuse just waiting for me to get settled.  These used to be the appealing signs of many Sunday nights for Eddie and me.  Once as he lay upstairs and I was downstairs having my massage, I cried into the massage table pillow.  The pain of all that was going on was overwhelming to me as I lay alone on the massage table with only the silence to comfort me.

Months later, that same silence falls upon me tonight but I have wrapped my head around thinking about the week, the weekend, the nice ease to the weekend for a change, the beautiful day I had with the kids just hanging out with Eddie's godson, Jake, and his father Doug, one of Eddie's closest friends.  The "relaxation" channel on Pandora played a series of calm songs and then it played Pachabel's Canon, the song that I walked down the aisle to as if it were yesterday.  I remember watching Eddie's smiling face the whole time I walked that beautiful aisle.  The song struck me as it always does but this was after all a relaxation channel and that was the ultimate in relaxing songs.  I listened and tried to summon the tears but I was just calm in it, remembering the glorious day 10 years ago.

After the song the channel went quickly south to the song from Titanic and when it played one of the songs from "Aladdin", I decided it was time to change as I turned over.  I switched to "Ambient" music which essentially amounted to listening to air but I actually welcomed it.  I wanted to feel the quiet and help my body ease into the ultimate relaxation and I wanted to try to feel Eddie in some way.  I said a little prayer to myself wishing I could somehow know Eddie was there... "if only he could somehow blow some warm air on me."  Then like magic, the next song, on a channel that literally was playing air, played a very beautiful Pachabel's Canon, the only composition I heard on that station for the 30 minutes I listened to that station.  I was awe struck.  It hit me how really there he was and I cried the warmest tears and talked to him in my head ... in the cold dark silence.

Goodnight Eddie.  I miss you.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Last Friday, November 8th, came and went.  There was no shiva to go to, no special Shabbat, no plan even made with my children for which I felt terrible about.  I went out with friends.  When I made the plan, I was still under the influence of the novocain.  Not the typical novocain that is injected into your gums before some awful dental procedure but more the novocain fog you are in for those first few months.  I suppose that novocain fog is a blessing... it keeps me getting up in the morning and functioning and moving through life without Eddie.  But then, like the real life one, it wears off and I am left standing in the fog but with more feeling and more realization that this is really it.  I am really alone, he is really gone and my children really don't have their dad come Halloween, a trip to Disneyland (which he always attended), a basketball game, a tournament... the endless everyday dinners.  The novocain fog isn't coming back either.  It is the real new world order, the real every day new path and the real facing it each and every day and every event and holiday.

Today as I walked with Dylan back to the car after her grief group I told her how once a month the parents have a "parent group" during the kids group to talk about how our kids are doing.  I commented that some of the stories are so sad - the family that now must move to Seattle because the mom cant find work here in LA, the family who cant stay in their home without the income of the father, the mom who doesnt know how to do so many things that the husband always did... I told her how we are so lucky that we get to stay in our home, in LA with our friends, and how lucky we are to have the family that loves us so much.  I asked her if she could imagine us having to move away and she quickly said "no, because I could never do it without my friends."

She gets it.. as do Matthew and I.....even after the novocain has worn off for all of us.

Hugs to all