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Wednesday, December 2, 2015


LOVE comes and goes...
We risk, we experience, we love, we lose, we mourn. 
Different levels of loss generate different levels of mourning.. the end of a phase of life, the end of a friendship, the end of a life, the end of a relationship. 
We mourn.
And yet, we pick up again because we must... because collapsing into ourself isn't an option.  We aren't ready to end our living because of our loss. 
We pick up, we dust our pants off and we get back out to the living
Different losses take different amounts of time to mourn - certainly that is one indicator of the brevity of the loss. 
But we all move on... loss creates mourning and then grieving is the healing.

I am grateful for my losses.  They create the strength to tolerate the next risk knowing that I will mourn, I will grieve and I will pick up and welcome the next experience.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Second Anniversary

Today marks the second anniversary of Eddie's dieing.  I still remember this day like it was yesterday.  I am ever so grateful that Eddie did not have the long hospice care, the pain that some endure with cancer or the embarrassing episodes with his care providers.  He would have hated all of that and even remarked to our Rabbi one time "I don't want to be that guy that everyone is in the waiting room waiting for him to die."  He did have a room full of people but we didn't wait that long.

I struggle more than before with the How Tos - how to remember him always, how to make sure my kids remember him and hold on to their memories, how to honor his legacy, how to acknowledge him forever.  I try to talk about him in reference to anything that reminds me of him or is relevant.  

In the meantime, I feel we are all doing what he would most want us to do - live. But sometimes it feels weird and a bit guilt provoking. I recently read something in my book entitled "Healing After Loss - Daily Meditation for Working Through Grief."  I thought it was so appropriate - 
  • No one is asking us to forget, to turn away from all that we loved and cherished in the one we have lost. We couldn't do that.. The task before us, and it can take a very long time, is to incorporate this grief and loss into the rest of our lives, so that it doesn't continue to dominate our lives.  It's no longer the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning, or the last thing we relinquish before we sleep.  It will always be there, but when it begins to take its place  among the good things life offers, we're on our way.  
I do believe that I am "on my way," recognizing and hoping others understand that I will forever have set backs now and then.  Thankfully all of the people in my life are supportive of me during these times and I rarely feel alone in it.

Hugs to all,

Another feeling he was with me

I recently went on a fishing trip, one that Eddie took many times with our temple.  He loved this trip and as much as he could, never missed it.  As we flew to Idaho, I put on my headphones and scrambled my music.  I fell asleep.  As we landed, I woke up and heard the song playing in my headphones - it was the very first "our song," - Steve Wonder's "I Believe" - 

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever 
I'm so glad that I found someone to believe in again 
God surely answered my prayer.

We heard this song in our weekly yoga class when we first started dating.  It absolutely was the song that made us look at each other during the slower wind down time and fall in love.  I loved that this particular song was playing from all the hundreds of songs otherwise on my playlist - just as I landed for my fishing trip.  I know Eddie wanted to be there and with that song playing in my ear as the trip started, I know he was.

Hugs to all

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Remembering Birthdays

For sure this is an awkward one.  How do you "celebrate" someone's birthday that is no longer alive? I guess it really is just taking a moment to remember him.  But then I remember and talk about him every day. Last year, one of Eddie's dear friends sent me flowers on Eddie's birthday and said "some birthdays are worth celebrating forever."  It was perfect.

This year my kids didn't want to do anything special and I have to admit I felt a little awkward trying to force it.  I bought his favorite cake, Coconut, and we had it after dinner.  We took a moment to just think about him together and acknowledge what it would have been.  Then it was off to living for us living souls.

But always remembering...

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Life is Sweet, Life is Bittersweet

They say life goes on, you find happiness again, you find love again.  Perhaps.  Yes.  True.

Then you are jolted.  Someone says that something that just hits you in the heart.  It immediately takes you back to "but I don't have my spouse."  Or perhaps your kid makes that big play and you look around and you don't have your spouse to smile with, pump your fists with or celebrate later at home with, with your child.  There are the never ever ending forms "first parent.  second parent." There is someone missing in it all.

I celebrate life and I embrace it.  I am happy, my kids are happy.  The first year was so hard in the stress of how will the first ____ (holiday) go?  You get through that and you think "whew, I made it." But then the next year comes and nobody remembers to call on that anniversary to check on you.  Or you realize that some of those feelings and stressors will never go away.  Every time you walk in that room, you will continue to feel alone, just less stressed about feeling it.

But the hardest I suppose is that nobody has your back like your spouse.  And that is a very hard hole to fill and can cause the most anxiety late at night as you review your day alone and ponder how you did as a parent, a friend, a worker, a child.  There just isn't anybody to give you that unconditionally supportive feedback.

Life is sweet but going it alone - bitter too


Even almost two years out.... I ask that you ask me.

Ask me what I need.  Ask me if it is easier to talk about Eddie, the day he died, our special moments, our trips, our funny moments, our sad moments and our tough moments.  They are part of my life and they didn't die with Eddie.  Ask me if I need some space to be alone or if I need company.  Ask me if this day is still hard.  Ask me about Eddie and what memories I might want to talk about.  I will tell you what I need. 

All that I ask is that you ask me.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Signs Still Came

This happened awhile ago but I see I never posted it.

I was in my grief group.  The group leaders asked us to go around the room and say something we would say to our spouse if they could hear us.  I said "I ask Eddie to please keep showing up to let me know he is around, that he is watching over us and seeing what we are doing.  It would give me great comfort."

The group ended shortly thereafter and I walked to my car.

On the way to my group that night I was listening to music through my iPhone on Rhapsody.  I was listening to a playlist I had recently made.  Songs from a TV show I liked.  I got in the car.  It often took a few seconds for the iPhone to connect to the radio in the car.  I waited as there was a song I wanted to play off that playlist.  Instead, a song started playing from the beginning.  It was not a song on the playlist whatsoever.  It was from my Iphone Itunes library which meant that somehow my phone went out of Rhapsody and into Itunes and selected this one specific song to play.... "Promised Land" by Bruce Springsteen.   The very song Eddie said was his "funeral song" and the song we played as his casket was taken out of the funeral.

I can't make these things up... they happened.  And I know for sure they are Eddie.

Hugs to all,

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Everywhere you go… There you Are

Today marks the 8th anniversary of Eddie's original seizure and diagnosis.  The day my life forever changed, the future much more uncertain than it was the day I married Eddie just 2 1/2 years prior.  And 2 days ago marked 1 1/2 years since he died.

It is true what they say - people do move on and get back to their life and you are faced to deal with your new life.  But I am so much stronger for having had all these people carry me through the roughest time and I know that they will forever show up in those future times to help me celebrate life and face sorrows.  I even find that the "how are you's" don't affect me so awkwardly and am even able to say "good, happy," perhaps with the caveat of "I still miss him but...." 

Looking back at the first year, I don't even think I realized the depths of despair I faced each day not only in me but in my kids.  Looking at them now, I see sparkles in their eyes, happiness in their activities and with their friends and overall less stress in our home.  I am so grateful to Our House for that and the myriad of friends and other therapists who have helped us all. 

And finally, I find great comfort and strength in helping those that come after me in this difficult process.  I wish them fortitude in going through the grief that cannot be avoided and hope that they too will get to the other side and feel happiness, be able to smile, and be at peace with their new normal.

hugs to all,