I am a believer. I like to believe in things. I like to believe that there is something greater than us - it brings me comfort and always has throughout my life, in good times and bad. I believe that things happen for a reason - not to say that I can see any reason for Eddie's dieing - but I generally believe that if one just listens to life's whispers, they generally tell you what to do and where to go and why things might not be happening the way you want. Thank God for unanswered prayers as the say.
I have never been sure however that I was a believer in hearing from those that have died. It seems unreal. A body dies. That is it. Yes, there is this soul but what is that exactly. When I sit very quietly I hear and feel something deep within myself that I know is something greater than my body. My brother and I used to challenge each other to sit and really ponder what are we exactly? What is this body and this feeling within. Perhaps through Eddie's death I am starting to learn a bit. I feel him, I see clear signs he is around. Here are the latest incidences.
I was at a religious school advisory board meeting last week. Religious education was something very important to Eddie. He volunteered at the religious school for several years (how he ended up as an art teacher helper is another question but he loved it each and every week). Most everyone that knows us knows that our temple was a safe place. It was a special place. It was a home for us and we reconnected there over and over. As always, I had my phone in sleep mode, nearby for those moments when the meeting goes astray. One of these times, I reached to my phone, gently pressed the menu button and swiped it on. We all have done this countless times and the screen pops up to the last place we were - the text screen, a text exchange, an email exchange, a webpage, etc. At this particular moment, here is what popped up on my screen:
There was simply no explanation other than some divine soul intervention. It was not as if my phone accidentally went to a former text exchange with eddie- this one is blank. It is not an old email. It is a brand new text started with Eddie's name in the "to" space. He was there.
A few nights later as I lay sound asleep, I woke very startled and very alert. I truly with all my being felt his presence. I woke myself up more and I talked to him, sure to capture the moment. I said "ok, I know you are here. I feel you" and with that I felt a very firm tap just behind my right shoulder and I acknowledged it. I slapped myself silly in that moment making absolutely sure I was awake and realized it was real. It was.
Recently, we were at a friends house who I had not been to since Eddie died and this family was one we spent a lot of time together as families. The husband and I were standing very close to the door as I was getting ready to leave having dropped my daughter off there. The doorbell rang. We both walked to the door and he opened it. There was nobody there. No menu left behind, no solicitation, no person heading down his porch stairs, no kids pranking. It was Eddie, just letting us know he was there.
Lastly, as my son packed his brand new baseball backpack with all of his baseball accessories, he and the babysitter heard a knock on the door. Eddie loved baseball - it was his favorite sport. My son and the babysitter went to the door and opened it only to find absolutely nobody there. They both heard the knock clearly. My son told me "mom, it was dad. He loved baseball you know."
He is here. It gives me the best comfort knowing that he is with me in some way some how. I hope he is happy with all that we are doing in his memory and to honor him each day. I hope he knows how much peace his little injections into life bring to me.
Hugs to all,