Last Friday, November 8th, came and went. There was no shiva to go to, no special Shabbat, no plan even made with my children for which I felt terrible about. I went out with friends. When I made the plan, I was still under the influence of the novocain. Not the typical novocain that is injected into your gums before some awful dental procedure but more the novocain fog you are in for those first few months. I suppose that novocain fog is a blessing... it keeps me getting up in the morning and functioning and moving through life without Eddie. But then, like the real life one, it wears off and I am left standing in the fog but with more feeling and more realization that this is really it. I am really alone, he is really gone and my children really don't have their dad come Halloween, a trip to Disneyland (which he always attended), a basketball game, a tournament... the endless everyday dinners. The novocain fog isn't coming back either. It is the real new world order, the real every day new path and the real facing it each and every day and every event and holiday.
Today as I walked with Dylan back to the car after her grief group I told her how once a month the parents have a "parent group" during the kids group to talk about how our kids are doing. I commented that some of the stories are so sad - the family that now must move to Seattle because the mom cant find work here in LA, the family who cant stay in their home without the income of the father, the mom who doesnt know how to do so many things that the husband always did... I told her how we are so lucky that we get to stay in our home, in LA with our friends, and how lucky we are to have the family that loves us so much. I asked her if she could imagine us having to move away and she quickly said "no, because I could never do it without my friends."
She gets it.. as do Matthew and I.....even after the novocain has worn off for all of us.
Hugs to all