Sunday night. Dark room. Massage table. Fantastic masseuse just waiting for me to get settled. These used to be the appealing signs of many Sunday nights for Eddie and me. Once as he lay upstairs and I was downstairs having my massage, I cried into the massage table pillow. The pain of all that was going on was overwhelming to me as I lay alone on the massage table with only the silence to comfort me.
Months later, that same silence falls upon me tonight but I have wrapped my head around thinking about the week, the weekend, the nice ease to the weekend for a change, the beautiful day I had with the kids just hanging out with Eddie's godson, Jake, and his father Doug, one of Eddie's closest friends. The "relaxation" channel on Pandora played a series of calm songs and then it played Pachabel's Canon, the song that I walked down the aisle to as if it were yesterday. I remember watching Eddie's smiling face the whole time I walked that beautiful aisle. The song struck me as it always does but this was after all a relaxation channel and that was the ultimate in relaxing songs. I listened and tried to summon the tears but I was just calm in it, remembering the glorious day 10 years ago.
After the song the channel went quickly south to the song from Titanic and when it played one of the songs from "Aladdin", I decided it was time to change as I turned over. I switched to "Ambient" music which essentially amounted to listening to air but I actually welcomed it. I wanted to feel the quiet and help my body ease into the ultimate relaxation and I wanted to try to feel Eddie in some way. I said a little prayer to myself wishing I could somehow know Eddie was there... "if only he could somehow blow some warm air on me." Then like magic, the next song, on a channel that literally was playing air, played a very beautiful Pachabel's Canon, the only composition I heard on that station for the 30 minutes I listened to that station. I was awe struck. It hit me how really there he was and I cried the warmest tears and talked to him in my head ... in the cold dark silence.
Goodnight Eddie. I miss you.